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BLUE OCTOBER's Music ...Share stories HERE:
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Kaldun



Joined: 31 Jul 2008
Posts: 131
Location: Ulyanovsk, Russia

PostPosted: Mon Jul 26, 2010 5:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello everyone!
I finally decided to write my Blue October story. It's not very dramatic, but it was a great thing for me. It's about how I go from love to hate and back to love with Blue October music during just one album.
Since the time I first heard Blue October I can't live without them. It's very beautiful music, but the main part - its lyrics, touching strings of my soul and expressing my feelings. In different times different songs were very close to my heart. It was not a big story, just everyday salvation for me.
It was January 2010. I had a girlfriend, we were dating for about a half of year. I loved her so much. But suddenly she said that she can't be closer to me and we should stay friends. And she left me. I was very upset and for few days I couldn’t do anything at all - eat, drink, walking, even listening music. It was a deep depression. But few days later I calm down for a bit. And then decided to listen to the music, that helps me when I feel down. I choose "Approaching Normal".
The story starting from 4th song - "Been Down". I remembered, how our relationship came to an end, step by step, and I understand that I felt that end will be soon. Words "How long, how long have we been down?" were like the hymn of last month or two.
Then "My never"... I dreamed of being with her for a long long time. She was my perfect woman. And then I got her... but it didn't work and now I'm alone again. Without her. I can only dream of her, but never more. And I lost her as a friend. Even now... she's my never? yes, she is. And she will.
I started listening of this album with the love to Blue October. But next song made me hate them. Hate because it was sooo bad to hear it. Because of its question "can you tell me what have I done so wrong to you?". I asked myself many times about it. I asked her. But I didn't get any answer and still don't know what have I done so wrong to her. I love to sing along with the song I listen to. And I sang "Should Be Loved" too. But when Justin asked this question I broke down and started to cry. I've heard it many times but I never realize that it can hurt me. But it did. This song had put an explosives into my heart and blew it up. I really hated Blue October that moment like never did it to someone else.
But hopefully I continued listening. And the cure came.
Next song made me calm a bit. I remembered our last date, our farewell. It was the last kiss. The next day she sent me a message telling that she left me. But that moment I didn't know that and I was some kind of happy. I didn't want to blame her or something. I remember good moment and it told me to stop crying and to fix myself.
To pick up my heart, that was torn to pieces. Yes, I was really needed that. It's impossible to live while being broken down every minute of my life.
Then songs go one after another and I felt better and better with very song.
"Remember, life's like a jump rope - Up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down". Yes, it is. And if I feel myself down right now, tomorrow will be a good day. Maybe even the best in my life. So, why I need to worry now? We say here in Russia words like that - "tears of sorrow will not help".
I needed to raise my head - there's nothing interesting on the ground. Raise, higher and higher! Look at the beautiful blue skies! Isn't it amazing? It is. It's a gift to live under such amazing sky and I can't be worried.
And what I have to do now? I just have to keep graceful dancing. Nothing more, but nothing less.
I said that I started from love. And then hate so bad. But in the end of the album I loved them so much again, like in first day, like I've never heard them before. On new level. Somewhere in heart, brain, soul or somewhere. Don't know where. But there is a Blue October part in me. After this entire story nothing could made me hate Blue October. It's only love. Pure and truly.
I guess that many people here have had such feelings while listening Blue’s music, but I just wanted to share it. Maybe someone will see some things in another point of view.
What about my ex? I wished her good luck and really wanted her to be happy. She can't be happy with me? OK, so I hope she will be happy with someone else. It was a good breakdown without shouting, swearing and insults or something.
And I... I understand, that I'm fine and always plan to be. Thanks to Blue October for that. I love you, guys! I'm counting days for the moment I'll see you live in Moscow. I hope to meet you and say thank you all.
Vladimir
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RequiscantInPace



Joined: 02 Oct 2007
Posts: 94
Location: Floating down, through the clouds, all these memories come rushing up to meet me now...

PostPosted: Mon Jul 26, 2010 9:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

None of you know me and I know none of you. You'll never be face to face with me and you'll never get to judge me. So, you wanna know some of the REAL stories of how Blue October's music affected/affects me? This might end up kinda long. I'm not sleeping anymore right now anyway. I got all night.

The very first time I heard Razorblade, it was by watching a video on Youtube of the performance at the Texas Club in Baton Rouge. In three minutes and twenty seconds, I went from being suicidal to homicidal. When he screamed "and you fucked them up for life", the anger hit. That was the first time it felt like someone had stood up for me. I'd never gotten angry with the people that abused me before then. I'd taken all the guilt and shame and blame and carried it all for years and years, until that moment. You may call me over dramatic if you like, but it is what it is.

My first memory in life is of being sexually abused. That was the first moment I can recall being alive. The person was an immediate family member that was ten years older than me. I can still recall so many vivid details of that encounter, right down to the blue tile on the bathroom floor, the quarter he promised to pay me, and the sweet tone in his voice. To this day, I refuse to have anything blue in the decoration of my home. Those incidents continued frequently, bringing my sibling that is three years older than me, into the activity shortly after the beginning.

The older family member left home originally when I was eight, but by then, it was such a firmly entrenched "practice" in my life that my sibling and I continued it. At some point, I was about ten or so, another more distant family member started a relationship (for lack of a better word) with me. He was 19-20 at the time. That lasted for quite some time, several years on and off.

You have to understand that by that time, after growing up in that kind of situation and exposure, I had managed to come away with the idea that sex equals love and any attention is better than no attention. You also have to understand that when this kind of current is going on in a family over decades, there's a lot of other kinds of abuses taking place too.

My parents divorced when I was eleven or so (my father was an offshore oil worker that was never home) and my mother remarried to the deacon in her church about a year or so later. Almost immediately following the wedding, her new husband started a sexual relationship with me that I didn't stop or even report. Like I'd said, any attention is better than no attention in some families.

I can look back now and see a very screwed up, confused little girl there. The whole thing went on until I was 16 years old. To give you a little picture of how messed up a kid's mind can get as a result, the first person that abused me had come back home for a visit when I was maybe 12 or so. I accidently walked into the bedroom where he and his girlfriend were having sex at the time. I ran out devastated and only because in my mind, I'd been replaced. Sex equals love and if he was having sex with her, then he must not love ME anymore. That's the kind of damage that happens.

At 16, I had a breakdown and ended up in a psychiatric hospital for six weeks. That was where I finally told someone about the whole thing. My mother refused to come for family week, a time period where one on one sessions were to be held with the whole family before release. She just flat out refused. Shortly after that, while I was still inpatient, they confronted her with what I had said. She denied knowledge of anything. She told me to my face that I was lying and was only jealous of her husband. She screamed at me for trying break up the family. It was never brought up again. She never came back to the hospital and they got legal permission to release me to my own care since I was a minor still. My mother moved over 200 miles away before I was discharged and left no forwarding address.

Damage...I have a very long history of drug addiction, used to escape. I have PTSD and still get triggered by certain situations. I've tried to commit suicide four times in my life. I was a terrible mother for a very long time because I had no idea how to BE a real mother. My oldest son moved out at the age of 17, in the middle of the night, after screaming to my face that he hated living with me. I spent 14 years in a loveless bad marriage because I was afraid of leaving it. I have very little self confidence today. I have bipolar 1 disorder. I doubt that I'll ever have a real relationship involving love because I have no clue how to BE in a relationship. I don't know what a normal relationship even looks like. I sometimes lay awake at night and still argue with my demons about how worthless and horrible they try to convince me that I am. I still carry a huge load of guilt and shame, regardless of how irrational I know that is. And this is after many years of therapy, many years of doing all the RIGHT things, many years of medications, treatment, analysis, etc. There is not a single facet of my life that is not affected by my child abuse, even now at the age of 40. My children have suffered as a result of it because they ended up with a mom that was unable to be a good parent for a very long time. I never abused my own children physically. However, they've watched me struggle with the drugs/alcohol, the suicide attempts, the hospital stays, the times when they never knew which me was going to be there. Will my grandchildren now suffer because of what I passed on to my own children?

Too many people just do not understand, do not have a clue as to the real consequences and devastation caused by child abuse. The damage is lifelong and multi-generational. Entire families, entire lives are just laid to waste as a result.

"Weight Of The World" found me on the living room floor, falling to pieces, swallowing pills one by one until I finally passed out and could actually sleep "just one night" without waking up screaming.

"Amazing" was playing when I was pleading with my former best friend to please just leave the man that was abusing her, please just come with me because I love you so very much and I'll take care of you until you are whole again. It was still playing when she told me no.

In 2006, when I was manic out of my mind, running up and down the stairs in my apartment because I couldn't make my mind OR my body just stop, when the screen saver photo of Green Day winked at me from across the room and when the trees were vibrating, "Hate Me" was blasting in the background.

And now, since I found myself giving real thought again to what it felt like to stand on a tenth story rooftop and guess how many seconds it would take to hit the pavement, "Graceful Dancing" has lived in my mind. There are times in my life when I had to bargain with myself for each day and right now, I promised myself October 8th and 9th.

So, ummm...yeah..Blue October and I go back a little ways.
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yoshib08
Junior Member


Joined: 11 Jul 2009
Posts: 183
Location: Texas

PostPosted: Tue Jul 27, 2010 12:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kaldun wrote:
Somewhere in heart, brain, soul or somewhere. Don't know where. But there is a Blue October part in me.


Ilove this. Thanks for your story...I hope you get to meet the guys at the show.
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yoshib08
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Joined: 11 Jul 2009
Posts: 183
Location: Texas

PostPosted: Tue Jul 27, 2010 12:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

RequiscantInPace, thanks for sharing. I have never dealt with sexual abuse, but I can only imagine what kind of toll that can take on a child, or anyone. It is infuriating when children aren't trusted with this kind of thing, and parents/family members call them crazy or liars. This is about a persons confidence, self-worth, and whole life. I would give you a big hug if I could...
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Maelin4



Joined: 12 Dec 2009
Posts: 11
Location: Ontario, Canada

PostPosted: Sat Aug 14, 2010 3:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

RequiscantInPace wrote:
None of you know me and I know none of you. You'll never be face to face with me and you'll never get to judge me. So, you wanna know some of the REAL stories of how Blue October's music affected/affects me? This might end up kinda long. I'm not sleeping anymore right now anyway. I got all night.

The very first time I heard Razorblade, it was by watching a video on Youtube of the performance at the Texas Club in Baton Rouge. In three minutes and twenty seconds, I went from being suicidal to homicidal. When he screamed "and you fucked them up for life", the anger hit. That was the first time it felt like someone had stood up for me. I'd never gotten angry with the people that abused me before then. I'd taken all the guilt and shame and blame and carried it all for years and years, until that moment. You may call me over dramatic if you like, but it is what it is.

My first memory in life is of being sexually abused. That was the first moment I can recall being alive. The person was an immediate family member that was ten years older than me. I can still recall so many vivid details of that encounter, right down to the blue tile on the bathroom floor, the quarter he promised to pay me, and the sweet tone in his voice. To this day, I refuse to have anything blue in the decoration of my home. Those incidents continued frequently, bringing my sibling that is three years older than me, into the activity shortly after the beginning.

The older family member left home originally when I was eight, but by then, it was such a firmly entrenched "practice" in my life that my sibling and I continued it. At some point, I was about ten or so, another more distant family member started a relationship (for lack of a better word) with me. He was 19-20 at the time. That lasted for quite some time, several years on and off.

You have to understand that by that time, after growing up in that kind of situation and exposure, I had managed to come away with the idea that sex equals love and any attention is better than no attention. You also have to understand that when this kind of current is going on in a family over decades, there's a lot of other kinds of abuses taking place too.

My parents divorced when I was eleven or so (my father was an offshore oil worker that was never home) and my mother remarried to the deacon in her church about a year or so later. Almost immediately following the wedding, her new husband started a sexual relationship with me that I didn't stop or even report. Like I'd said, any attention is better than no attention in some families.

I can look back now and see a very screwed up, confused little girl there. The whole thing went on until I was 16 years old. To give you a little picture of how messed up a kid's mind can get as a result, the first person that abused me had come back home for a visit when I was maybe 12 or so. I accidently walked into the bedroom where he and his girlfriend were having sex at the time. I ran out devastated and only because in my mind, I'd been replaced. Sex equals love and if he was having sex with her, then he must not love ME anymore. That's the kind of damage that happens.

At 16, I had a breakdown and ended up in a psychiatric hospital for six weeks. That was where I finally told someone about the whole thing. My mother refused to come for family week, a time period where one on one sessions were to be held with the whole family before release. She just flat out refused. Shortly after that, while I was still inpatient, they confronted her with what I had said. She denied knowledge of anything. She told me to my face that I was lying and was only jealous of her husband. She screamed at me for trying break up the family. It was never brought up again. She never came back to the hospital and they got legal permission to release me to my own care since I was a minor still. My mother moved over 200 miles away before I was discharged and left no forwarding address.

Damage...I have a very long history of drug addiction, used to escape. I have PTSD and still get triggered by certain situations. I've tried to commit suicide four times in my life. I was a terrible mother for a very long time because I had no idea how to BE a real mother. My oldest son moved out at the age of 17, in the middle of the night, after screaming to my face that he hated living with me. I spent 14 years in a loveless bad marriage because I was afraid of leaving it. I have very little self confidence today. I have bipolar 1 disorder. I doubt that I'll ever have a real relationship involving love because I have no clue how to BE in a relationship. I don't know what a normal relationship even looks like. I sometimes lay awake at night and still argue with my demons about how worthless and horrible they try to convince me that I am. I still carry a huge load of guilt and shame, regardless of how irrational I know that is. And this is after many years of therapy, many years of doing all the RIGHT things, many years of medications, treatment, analysis, etc. There is not a single facet of my life that is not affected by my child abuse, even now at the age of 40. My children have suffered as a result of it because they ended up with a mom that was unable to be a good parent for a very long time. I never abused my own children physically. However, they've watched me struggle with the drugs/alcohol, the suicide attempts, the hospital stays, the times when they never knew which me was going to be there. Will my grandchildren now suffer because of what I passed on to my own children?

Too many people just do not understand, do not have a clue as to the real consequences and devastation caused by child abuse. The damage is lifelong and multi-generational. Entire families, entire lives are just laid to waste as a result.

"Weight Of The World" found me on the living room floor, falling to pieces, swallowing pills one by one until I finally passed out and could actually sleep "just one night" without waking up screaming.

"Amazing" was playing when I was pleading with my former best friend to please just leave the man that was abusing her, please just come with me because I love you so very much and I'll take care of you until you are whole again. It was still playing when she told me no.

In 2006, when I was manic out of my mind, running up and down the stairs in my apartment because I couldn't make my mind OR my body just stop, when the screen saver photo of Green Day winked at me from across the room and when the trees were vibrating, "Hate Me" was blasting in the background.

And now, since I found myself giving real thought again to what it felt like to stand on a tenth story rooftop and guess how many seconds it would take to hit the pavement, "Graceful Dancing" has lived in my mind. There are times in my life when I had to bargain with myself for each day and right now, I promised myself October 8th and 9th.

So, ummm...yeah..Blue October and I go back a little ways.


I am so very sorry to hear this very sad story, it is these situations where you wish you could go back in the past and change the world Sad I am thinking of you RequiscantInPace, you are a remarkably strong person to go through what you have faced. You offer your children, grandchildren and friends your wisdom obtained through great pain and suffering through absolutely no fault of your own. I understand how the music of Blue October becomes a part of you as Vladimir said. I hope it continues to sustain us all for a long time to come Smile
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ishouldbeloved



Joined: 12 Jul 2010
Posts: 60
Location: Houston

PostPosted: Sun Sep 12, 2010 7:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The first time I heard Blue October was when I was like...3 (im only 14). I remember my dad, my older brother and I were in the car and my dad put some music on. I don't remember if it was the cd or what, but Black Orchid was playing. (I only had this flashback at the Houston Blue concert in May when they played it and I knew the words/tune).

When Calling You and Into the Ocean were released, those were constantly played on radios and at school things with dj's. They were widely known songs around here. Everyone knew all the words, but not everyone knew who the band was.

In sixth grade, my parents suddenly got divorced. I still don't know why, and now they're not as close to me as they were. I wasn't feeling right and I tsarted seeing a shrink once a week. Sixth grade was also when I head Hate Me for the first time on the radio as I was riding home in carpool on a Friday afternoon. The words were amazing. They were actualy feelings instead of pop songs that only repeat one word in a catchy tune for 3 and a half minutes.
After I was dropped off at home, I sat at the computer and listened to Hate Me like 15 times. Then I listened to Calling You and Into the Ocean again and again...

About five minutes late, my dad came and picked me and my sbilings up for a weekend at his house and he'd magically read my mind and had bought Foiled for the Last Time when his friend had reccomended it to him. I jumped into the car and i recognized justin's voice and I was like "This is Blue October". We listened to that cd whenever we drove anywhere or about 3 or 4 months. And in my mom's car, we played the second disk over and over and over.
Okay, this is getting really long... i'll make this next part short.
Basically, I got one of my best friends hooked as well. Both of us had been writing songs for a while, and we shared them with eachother when we felt the need for comfort.

~~~~~fast forward~~~~~

I was on a field trip this past may and my mom texts me asking if I want to go to a Blue October concert. I said Heck yes. after I'd gone to splashtown with my school's band for the day, my mom picked me up for the concert. After driving for a long time, getting lost, getting directions from a gas station, and waiting in line for an hour, we finally got to our spots at the concert. (Luckily, my mom brought chairs so we got to be up front in the general admission part- a pretty okay view for a short person like me Very Happy) The show. Was. Epic. Thousands of people were singing aloong to every word. At this point, I'd only heard Dirt Room and Say It off AP because those were played on the radio and I HAD to buy them.

after the cncert, we talked about it the entire way home. We were really blown away by jumo rope Smile I bought it while we were in the parking lot and we listened to it probably 10 times.
The next day, I used all 5 of my itunes gift cards from my birthday and bought Consent, H4$, and AP. (I already had all of Foiled). That is all I listen to now. In July, I went to another concert (I'd been counting down the days for 2 months) with my mom and my friend who I've started a band with. It was amazing and those two concerts are the two best nights of my life Smile

I still listen to almost only Blue October. I still see my shrink. But I feel a heck of a lot better with every Blue song I hear.

Yeah... that was long, but now you can move on to another post...
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Maelin4



Joined: 12 Dec 2009
Posts: 11
Location: Ontario, Canada

PostPosted: Sun Sep 12, 2010 9:01 am    Post subject: ishouldbeloved Reply with quote

Your story is as important as everyone else on the forum, I was in no rush to move to another post! Blue October seems to really have a way of touching so many of us, of all ages and stages, in so many different but positive ways. I really hope the band reads these posts and knows what an impact they have had and continue to have. Peace to you ishouldbeloved.
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ishouldbeloved



Joined: 12 Jul 2010
Posts: 60
Location: Houston

PostPosted: Sun Sep 12, 2010 8:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thanks Maelin4 Smile made my day Smile
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hollyelizabeth
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Joined: 12 Jun 2009
Posts: 1027
Location: Guess.

PostPosted: Mon Sep 13, 2010 6:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ishouldbeloved wrote:
thanks Maelin4 Smile made my day Smile


Stick around, you seem like a great person.
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Minu!W



Joined: 16 Sep 2010
Posts: 1
Location: Utah, USA

PostPosted: Fri Sep 17, 2010 12:06 am    Post subject: My Blue October Romance... Reply with quote

It all started with Hate Me going global (yes I'm one of the masses with that part). I was sitting in a "Neuropsychiatric Unit" for the umpteenth time in my life (to be honest I've lost track having been diagnosed as a child and now being in my 30s). When my brother (who is also bipolar) brought me my ipod when I was released to the "adult unit" which meant I could have my shoes back and wear my own clothes and even have earphones and an ipod as long as I was in the common area when I had them checked out. Anyway, he had bought me a few songs, including this new song he'd been seeing on VH1.. Hate Me... I broke into tears... it was the entire reason I'd had a breakdown a month prior in a song. I felt that my family would be better off if they found a way to hate me or let me go off in the distance and never find me again. I spent 3 days listening to that song and crying before I could even begin to articulate why I'd killed myself and had to be put on dialysis after being brought back the month prior. So much therapy and so much remorse for everything I'd put everyone through but nothing to find the words. Suddenly there's someone who understands and it's this man I've never heard of singing it out like he's in my head... a few weeks later when I was released to outpatient care I started gobbling up all the Blue October I could find and started finding out that there was someone out there who understood so much about me. To this day there are songs that come out that chill me to the bone from personal experiences.

I should not be alive today from the point of view of simple knowledge and chemistry but here I am and there would be so many more attempts and probably a lack of a person if it weren't for the outlet that Blue October provides for every mood and every problem. I am my fiancé's balance beam and that song helped him understand so much about falling all around our relationship especially when I'm having to adjust meds... your music has helped me, my brother and just about everyone in my life understand me more. Thank you Blue October! If my father had still been alive when your music came out I have no doubt it would have helped him help himself as well. You are heroes and warriors and I thank God for you every day (truly I do).

Love your guts! (for if you love someone love even the most gross part of them and when I was 5 and this concept was explained to me that was the most gross part of someone I knew)

-Min
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Amazon
Senior Member


Joined: 19 Aug 2007
Posts: 1017
Location: Seattle WA

PostPosted: Sat Sep 18, 2010 6:20 pm    Post subject: Re: My Blue October Romance... Reply with quote

Minu!W wrote:
I spent 3 days listening to that song and crying before I could even begin to articulate why I'd killed myself and had to be put on dialysis after being brought back the month prior. So much therapy and so much remorse for everything I'd put everyone through but nothing to find the words. Suddenly there's someone who understands and it's this man I've never heard of singing it out like he's in my head...


Yeah, that's one of the things I've found with Blue...a way to help me understand and put words to what I feel. I can't tell you how many times I've found myself staring at my stereo/ipod and thinking "How the fuck did he get into my brain?"

Thanks for sharing your story Min! I'm so glad you found Blue and the BOOB!
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Siouxie76



Joined: 25 Sep 2010
Posts: 119
Location: Australia

PostPosted: Tue Sep 28, 2010 5:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like the way they sound, they move me, make me want to dance... they make me happy, feel pain and hurt but make me happy all the same.
They turn my down into a wave of emotion that makes me explore my why and then makes it ok...

They make me feel that I am ok
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BlueOctober76



Joined: 07 Oct 2010
Posts: 1

PostPosted: Thu Oct 07, 2010 6:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

[
Have you guys seen the video where Justin disses the drunk lady.It`s so funny, just look it up on youtube. Laughing
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thewatcher



Joined: 08 Nov 2010
Posts: 66

PostPosted: Thu Nov 11, 2010 6:14 pm    Post subject: Drop: one girls story of new beginnings Reply with quote

**Disclamer: all events contained here in are purely fictional produced from the mind of a madwoman**

There was never a moment where I wonder to the point of distraction if the things I see are imaginary.
In fact, I always thought I was quite good at calling bullshit.
If thats the case, how could I stand with 500 strangers and see something
no one else saw?


DROP:
ONE GIRS STORY OF NEW BEGINNINGS


She woke up early, very surprised she had slept at all. She rushed about, keeping her focus on easy stuff, but this day was much more to her than a simple bundle of tasks. Even more than the promise of what she considered her first real concert. It was the first day in years she was letting down the veil of duty and responsibility in order to get back in touch with herself; come 4pm, she was not mommy, or the quiet girl lost in her own thoughts, silently wondering if the things in life she had given away, her very identity, would return, or just be a pleasant fading memory that would loop in the later stages of life as senility set in.
None of that. Today she was just Vaughn, and she had a whole night to do what she wanted. Plans confirmed, she hurriedly dropped off her kids at their aunts and dashed the short distance to her friend Jamie' house. Though he was unfamiliar with the band, she had recruited Jamie the moment her little brother had backed out. This had opened many door, and besides, she felt safe with Jamie. She knew he would hold her hand through even the most treacherous quicksand.
She quickly got changed, put on her make up, and tried and failed to do something productive with her hair, opting to leave it down. If this is anything like I remember it , I will need it to hide behind eventually, she thought.
She returned to the living room, where Jamie quickly organized the two of them, stuffing everything they would need for the evening into his pockets. He then picked through his “toolbox”, selecting the most fragrant and fluffy buds to accompany the folding pipe. Vaughn watched him situate himself. She had always admired this ability he had to prepare for things. She was usually ill-prepared, be it due to procrastination or inevitable forgetfulness.
“Ready?” he asked, looking her over, her face a mix of nerves and excitement
“youbetcha” she replied, instantly at the door.
The ride was silent, except for the crack of a Bic and a comment on skateboarders vs. the BigTruck. Though her mind spun with conversation, the excitement kept any at bay, allowing a moment for reflection:
Ten Years. My entire adult life I gave to you and you merely vampired the good out of me and then faked devastation every time I attempted to gather myself up and move on. I filled myself to purging on the lies you spat at me and tonight, I give them all back to you. You can have all of this, In fact, all the infection that you spread within my brain. Take back all the broken pieces filled with burning pain. I must clean this mess you left, before I am the only one left to blame.
Ten Years. It is a lot to take back all at once I know, but you see, I refuse to hold it for you for even one more day.
I know now that what I once mistook for a light in you was just the gunblasts in your head, leaving your body alive but your soul very dead, and you were just darkness, hellbent on consumption, cleaning your dirty with the shiny of others.
Ohh, my once dearest friend, I am so sorry you died SO SLOW. So fucking sad your once brilliant eyes hold NO GLOW. Thats the problem really. I am still so fucking sad and so fucking mad to this very day. Left you two years ago, and I still feel this smothering me.
I don’t miss you
I don’t long for you
I don’t want you back
essentially, I am over you. Happily Done.
So hopefully you understand why you must have ALL of your negativity back. It is destroying me, even though I have moved on.
TEN YEARS! That is a lot of retrograding to do, and I wondered for sooo long how to get rid of this. I dwelled on this, but I do not have to give up, because the very moment I began to, I saw the bold faced message that would ultimately repair my defeat:
NEW TOUR DATES ADDED; OCTOBER 3, CROSSROADS KC
And I just smiled. And got tickets. And though this was an ace in the hole, I knew I had to find a jack of spades to accompany this, as it always was my favorite card. Instead it found me.
The last string you had wrapped around me. It was all obvious. I now hold the siccors and you my friend are going down. We made a pact 10 years ago. And I have kept it until tonight. Nope we never did that again be we did do about a 1000 thing one hundred times worse. Makes sense huh? It will. I believe in heroes.
You see, tonight I take my trip back.
And along with it all the pieces of me you hold. But don’t worry, I intend to leave all the gooze of your presence where I stand tonight.
“So where are we supposed to park?” Jamie asked, more to break the silence than out of actual concern. He knew this was a big night to her. In response, a handwritten parking 5$ sign loomed in front of them. They paid and blazed one last bowl and got out. Catching one last glimpse of herself in the BigTrucks mirror, she quickly rearranged her long blond hair so it blew around her and straightened her jeans before heading for line.
Once waiting, Jamie quickly shuffled through his pockets, producing two cigarettes and a tiny paper wrapped object.
Vaughn smiled, accepting the items “Ten years, man”
“Well, then it has been far too long”
The line moved quickly, and they were suddenly inside the venue.
“You know, I didn't really expect the tree branches” she said as she climbed through a bed of chunks of wood, a task she briefly wondered if she could accomplish in a few hours. The sound was great, though at this point it was just a loop of a few popular songs. Jamie was sure to take the opportunity to get a supply of water. Always prepared.
They shifted around for about 10 minutes, trying to find the right spot for the show.
“I have never done this at a concert before” she laughed
“Really?” Jamie replied
The ground was becoming more chunky, and she stopped at a spot close to the front. A short woman with a curly ponytail suddenly turned around and slowly smiled at her. Vaughn smiled back. Big. The woman cocked her head and touched Vaughns arm deliberately with both hands.
“Excuse me” she said, meeting her eyes before continuing off into the crowd. Vaughn stood, slightly confused, before erupting into three separate sets of laughter related to the event, which got Jamies attention
Alright sweetheart lets go walk around a bit before the opening act comes on.
“Oh they are good! I looked em up on youtube. You'll like em'”
He ushered her toward a break in the crowd, where they knelt down.
“Soooo, how ya doin?” he asked, struggling with his own clarity.
“Fantastic!” She replied, laughing slightly at nothing in particular “Man, we cannot stay down here long. I will be such a mess” The chunks of tree had caught her attention, and she now raked her hands through it uncontrollably. “This will be no good at all”
The lights suddenly dimmed and someone began talking and they all thanked the tech guys. And then: the boys from south Africa took the stage and rocked the funk out! Vaughn had already developed a vast liking for them, and they gave her a secure sense of safety in a new thing with the slightly familiar tunes. 'Life design' set the tone and Vaughn began to relax on the driving beats she could feel pounding through her shoes.
What a great vibe she thought, and smiled wildly at Jamie. He put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her in closer.
“You are so warm” she exclaimed, and at that moment the first chords of 'Push me to the floor' ripped through the crowd and ground and Vaughn bolted straight up, singing(well, yelling) loudly, while she flung Jamie about, expressing gratitude for the warmth she was stealing.
“Wow, They were really good” he said after they had exited the stage
“I know”
He continued to talk to her, and every once in a while she would attempt to respond, only to trip over her words. She could tell by his face this was a conversation rather than a monologue, and finally found enough voice to speak
“I have NO IDEA what you are saying, but this is great!” she punctuated it with a giant (loopy) grin
“He giggled softly and leaned in more closely “Well girl, it looks like it is your journey tonight.” He paused “not mine, Its Yours. I am here if you need anything, k?”
Vaughn fought back the tears that threatened already. Everything was SO beautiful, and it was so nice of Jamie to come with her and facilitate such a remarkable night. She nodded and continued to think about all the wonderful things in life, clutching his hand and arm so she wouldn’t get lost.
Vaughn had been to very few concerts in life, and was unaware of all the amazing things going on between sets. The noise within the noise. She stared hard at the dark stage, catching flashes of lights as the tech guys set up for the Big Show. But it wasn’t what was seen, but what was heard, she leaned in closer to hear the secrets of 1000 shows, only to realize she was still attached to Jamie. She quickly looked back to find two new people standing with him. Slowly their words cane into focus and she realized once again that this was now a conversation.
“Just two” she attempted, though she was sure it was the right answer to the wrong question. They stifled grins and attempted to ask her about certain colors, but Vaughn had no new answers, and instead attempted to ask their names. Though she was sure it had been heard at one point, she realized it was not a time for name exchange and turned her attention back to the awesome whispering noises promising to reveal ancient secrets.
In her attempt to stay social, Vaughn would overhear bits of which made no sense, and soon became suspicious she was being fucked with (thank you) and turned her full attention to the stage. Throughout this time they had been fairly mobile, making their way from the back of the crowd into the thicker masses of people. Vaughn led, looking for little empty circles then seizing them, still enthralled in the secret language of the people on the soundboard. Suddenly a high chord of angels singing mixed with someones remixed messages played out, and she froze, right there where she was, with her back slightly to the stage, head on bobble, eyes thick with threatening tears.
And then HE was there. HE appeared to storm the stage, though at walking pace, drinking in the crowd, and she felt suddenly alarmed at his glare. So intense. And as this happened, a cigarette was suddenly placed into her line of vision, then hand, and as HE bled out the first lie of 'come in closer', she took a drag, alarmed at the cigarettes response. It lit up and threw sparks.
“Bet nobodys ever made you a sparkly before” Jamie whispered
And that was it. She lost it, then quickly dried her eyes and blew on the cigarette in an attempt to keep her mouth out of crying range. Tears continued to stream, and she regretfully told HIM that she could not come in any closer as he had requested. Finally she gave in, just said fuck it and let the tears stream freely down her face. It felt so good. And everything was so beautiful. And she smiled, a smile she hadn't felt on her face in YEARS. And cried. And every tear that left her body made her feel a bit more cheerful, and a bit less heavy, and a little cleaner
HE commanded the show with a devil faced godlike quality; menacing and authortive yet delicate and beautiful. She watched in awe, strangely at peace surrounded by 500 strangers as she tearily flushed out her anguish. And HE spoke, every word a needle in the souls version of acupuncture. It was a delicate yet easy conversation, where at times it felt as though it was directed at her. She responded, unable to find her voice, or barely even the ability to move her lips to form words, with sorrowful nods and fresh batches of tears, though she was certain the smile never faded.
'Been down' hit her harder than expected and she had no time for recovery before 'Blue Sunshine', agreeing sadly that this was not the girl that she once knew. Then 'Picking up Pieces' rang out, surging an emotion so strong she wondered briefly if she was going to have to sit down. She pulled herself together slightly and for the first time since the lights went down she pulled her eyes away from the stage. Most of the crowd had pushed forward, leaving only a few small groups around her, thankfully all several feet away from her and extra unaware of her meltdown. She felt a brief moment of panic thinking she had lost Jamie
“you ok?” he asked. Good, he was there.
“Oh yes” she managed to squeak out. She slowly turned the rest of her body to face the same way as her head and was pleasantly surprised by the stuff in her pockets. She pulled the squishy lip gloss out and applied it to her lips to regain composure and laughed a few times the returned all attention to the stage.
The smile immediately returned but she felt fewer tears, many of them only happy ones. She felt the stir of ambivalence as 'X-Amount of words' began and allowed her eyes into the front row, distinctly feeling them climb over people. As 'Angel' played she was sure HE was somewhere inside her head pulling out exactly the songs she needed to hear.
She was surprised by delight as James played. The way HE executed it was indescribably blissful. She stared up at HIM wrapping every word around herself. Though it ended she looked on breathlessly and again HE spoke -slowly- “ Jesus christ, why don't you just ask me to take my shirt off?”
Her immediate thought reaction to this was can I hold it?-because it was pretty. Very slightly she threw her hands up in appeasement and with a spreading grin, quietly -to herself- said “O-Kay... why don't you take your shirt off?”
No sooner had the quiet words crossed her lips than HE threw one long accusing finger in her direction and said “Right over there, right back there”
And she suddenly realized how close to him her eyeballs were, and the smirk slowly fell from her lips. Ohmifuckingod he was talkin to me.
And as this thought processed, a brick fell into the pit of her soul as a spotlight suddenly slowly made its way towards her. Thinking quickly, she vigorously shook her hands no, and it seemed to stop just ahead of her, though several people looked back at her.
“Some people never learn” HE said, followed by the opening to sexual powertrip.
She looked at he ground. I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend you she thought, and momentary pictured herself running up telling HIM this. I thought you were suggesting it she explained, though only in her mind. I didn’t realize my eyes had climbed on to you. She felt bad, but struggled to return her attention to the show, though not as … But her thoughts still reeled, from a glory of freedom from her anger to confounded of being hit with a spotlight. Did that happen. Can HE see ME.
Then, before the start of 'My Never', HE spoke to somebody in the crowd, a dedication of sorts, and did so with a quality that again made her breakdown.
She stood there a long time, finally managing to put one fist up during the last chorus of 'Hate me'. She so hoped the guys wouldn't take her lack of noise as being unenthusiastic.
And as beautifully as it had started, it was over. The lights came on and people dispersed. She stood there till most of the people were gone, and finally met Jamies' eyes.
“You ready?” he asked.
“ Umm... I, um- can we - you can't just deliver a performance like that and not sign for it” she struggled.
He sighed “Well, where do you go?”
This was the hard part. She wandered over to a gate that looked promising, and stared in questioning fear at the woman guarding it for quite a while. Finally Jamie was beside her Girl, it was a long show, I gotta get up in a little while” he said softly, leading her away. She successfully maneuvered her way through the piles of trees on the ground and towards the parking lot, where she stopped.
“Please? I have to explane” she said.
“Explane what?”
“You didn't see that shit, where he attempted to hit me with a spotlight?”
He looked amused “He was referring to a chick a couple rows up that yelled at him”
“No, she did that after he said- just... I know you are cold. You can go wait in the truck. I will only be a minute”
“You sure?” he asked skeptically
“Yes!”
“No, I’ll go, you will never find your way back. I can't leave ya like this anyways.”
Vaughn grabbed his hand and pulled hem back to the far end of the building
“This is just parking lot” he said
“No, its gotta be behind it, right, or beside it?”
“Whatever that means” he sighed again. “Ask someone.”
So she scanned the area till she saw someone official-looking and bounded them over to him.
“Um... Excuse me, if I umm- are they signing anywhere?”
“I think they are already on the bus.”
Not that Vaughn cared, she would find them herself.
“Well” said Jamie “I guess thats that.”
She started to protest.
“Sweetheart, I am freezing my balls off and have to get up in a few hours.”
Point taken, she reluctantly hung her head and trekked to the BigTruck.

And she never got to say Thank You.
Well, at least not yet.
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LauraLee1723
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Joined: 14 Jan 2011
Posts: 161
Location: Albuquerque, NM

PostPosted: Thu Jan 20, 2011 5:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Have stayed up way later than planned... in fact my ipod just turned off because the timer ran out... but these stories are all so beautiful... I have tears streaming down my face. Blue October is a once in a lifetime band. Not everyone can understand them, not everyone can understand their fans, but that's ok, because we understand them, and we understand each other.

This music has changed my life but I don't know that I could ever put it into words in a way that could do the way I feel justice. I just know I'm still alive because of them. There's a piece of my soul made of music, and part of that is pure Blue October. I wasn't whole before I heard them. I wasn't complete until that first time I heard "Come In Closer" on August 14, 2005. The first time I saw them perform live, I wanted to take the nearest person, grab them by the shoulders, shake them as hard as I could, and scream, "Did you just hear what I just heard?" There are times in your life things like that will happen. There are times that you will hear a song for the very first time, and you will feel something almost imperceptibly click into place, and life will forever be better than it was before that moment. That's what Blue October is for me.
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If you're loved by someone you're never rejected, decide what to be and go be it. - the Avett Brothers
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